Nowhere to go
by Blackwolf-20
Summary: After having escaped his cell, Negan makes his way back to the Sanctuary which has become a desolate place long forgotten. When Rick finds him there, Negan becomes even more aware of how much he lost and how much things have changed. (alternate take on episode 9 of season 9)


**Disclaimer: I don't own The Walking Dead**

**I created this a while ago after the episode "Adaptation". It's an alternate version of the episode. I really hope this inspires more Gen fics of Rick and Negan. I'm having zero luck finding much on a fic that keeps things canon to their relationship. **

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**The small bit of water from the creek had been enough to turn his stomach in a nauseating way. He choked and eventually coughed it up, then sighed as he wondered if he was going to catch a break before he returned home. But then the thought faded away quietly as he got to his feet and took in the wide and very familiar clearing.**

**No smile graced his face like it would have six years ago. Back then he would have smiled as he remembered how he'd brought Rick and his people to their knees on that particular bit of land. Back then he would have laughed at recalling how the red-head and the Asian's heads left a bloody, grisly mess on the earth after he had smashed them into nothing. Now his expression was grim as he felt no thrill from it. In a way he almost couldn't believe he had done such a thing there. It was like some ghost, something that wasn't him, had done it and was still haunting the place. It would explain why he felt so uneasy about it now.**

**He lifted the shovel over his shoulders as he stared at the unclean earth. It happened ages ago, but he could practically still smell the blood and hear the cries of Rick's people.**

**Wordlessly he turned away. **

**When he came across the clothing store, he felt a spark of something in his chest. When he saw a black jacket, it was like a missing puzzle piece had just landed on the board of a very incomplete picture. He put it on and right away he was comforted. It wasn't the same jacket he'd had in the past, but it would do. Along with Lucille the black leather jacket was a sign of his leadership, of his power. A little voice in his head however told him it represented something that didn't exist anymore, but he told it to shut up.**

**He had come to realize that he could do this. This wasn't just about collecting a piece of the past. This was about resurfacing to the life he'd had before Rick had come along. He smiled as he imagined the look on his face if he could see him now. He was done with his prison wardrobe. **

**The Sanctuary was a sweet sight, and it was even sweeter when he stepped out onto the railing that overlooked the floor. **

"**Home sweet home," he said as his chest filled with a pleasant kind of warmth. **

**This was home, not the cell. It was the one place where he belonged, and he was pleased to see that it was still standing; pleased to see that Rick hadn't gone as far as demolishing the place. He may not have had Lucille, but this was the next best thing. However the place was in clear need of a clean-up. There were cobwebs and dust everywhere. There was extensive water damage, particularly with the floor serving as a shallow pool from past rainstorms. **

**Negan frowned as he surveyed an almost unrecognizable Sanctuary. Aside from the obvious damage, what stood out most was the emptiness. There wasn't a soul in sight. There wasn't a huge volume of men and women looking up at him from their kneeling positions. There was no one showing a sign of respect, ready and willing to follow any order. Nothing greeted him, nothing except silence.**

"**Damn it," he muttered. **

**Why had no one been here to greet him? The Saviors were a loyal bunch aside from a few bad apples like Dwight and eventually Simon who apparently didn't understand loyalty very well. There should have been men here awaiting their leader's return. Sure they might not have expected him to escape and return, but they had made the place their home just as he had. So why weren't they still living here?**

**Then his stomach dropped a little when he recalled Rick once talking about how some of his people had splintered off into various communities. That was all he'd ever heard about his people, but Negan had never believed it. It was absurd. His men wouldn't work with Rick after he took their leader down.**

**With a grimace, he moved down the stairs. As he did, he tried to feel out a sense of his people. With it being so quiet and empty, he couldn't help feeling like they had all died but their ghosts were still roaming around unseen. **

**Being guided by nothing but hope and a slight bit of desperation, he scouted out the place, room to room. He knew there still had to be something or better yet someone. If there wasn't, he would have nothing to latch onto; nothing to reunite him with who he'd been and always would be.**

**He eventually made it to the counsel room where he'd had private conferences with his lieutenants while seated at the head of the gray table. As he sat at the head, a terrible hollowness filled him. None of his lieutenants were there now. It was just him, alone. His face fell even more. **

**He remained there for at least a good ten minutes. He wasn't sure why. He supposed he figured someone would be coming through the door to tell him about the latest issue, or announce that they found a new community that needed saving. When it was clear no one would be coming, he moved on.**

**The slightest bit of fear was starting to work its way into his system. The Sanctuary was deserted and there was no one left. It was as if there was nothing left for him, just as Judith had warned him before allowing him to slip from her fingers. Negan gritted his teeth. He didn't want that to be true. But just when he was about to give up hope, he heard a growl. He followed the sound to a storage room, and greeting him was a walker who had once been a man he recognized.**

"**Big Richie," Negan exclaimed as a wide smile stretched across his face. He wasn't alone after all. One of his people had stayed out of sheer loyalty and he'd be lying if he said it wasn't filling up his heart. It didn't matter that he wasn't alive. It was a familiar body that was animated enough to keep him from loneliness. **

**It didn't take long for Negan to decide that he wouldn't work out. When other walkers had come out of the woodwork, Richie's loyalty vanished as he found greater interest in joining them. Richie wasn't there anymore. He was just a mindless creature intent on eating and walking amongst the dead. Richie had no real loyalty, and that in turn made him wonder if his people were the same. Maybe they were more scared then loyal. Hell, he had thought Simon was loyal.**

"**Goddamn it," he muttered as he stared at the empty wall from his position on the damp couch. **

**He had gone to the trouble of rearranging the furnishings to something cozy, but it did nothing for him. It was still empty and as much as he hated to admit it, he had nothing. Negan hunched over on the couch and dropped his head in his hands. He had no idea what to do, or where to go from here.**

"**You done?"**

**Negan looked up at the sound of the sudden voice clipping into the silence. He already knew who it was before he turned around. **

**Rick was standing not too far behind him with his gun pointed right at his head. Negan expected him to look quite pissed off, but if anything he looked back at him as if it was just another day of him visiting him in his cell. His expression was straightforward and ready. There were no harshly narrowed eyes, but Negan could detect a bit of the stink eye he was used to Rick giving him.**

**Negan turned away as a smile played on his face. It was almost laughable that he had run off only to wind up in the same spot of Rick having the higher ground over him again.**

"**Finally gonna finish me off?" he asked in a somewhat joking manner. Then his smile faded a little. When Maggie had confronted him, she had caught him at a time when he desired death. He didn't desire it now, but he would welcome it. This way he could be free of having nothing.**

"**No," Rick replied simply and firmly. "But I won't hesitate to shoot you if you give me any trouble."**

**Negan just chuckled.**

"**Escaping's not enough for you to do me in? Shit Rick, what the hell do I have to do to get you to kill me?"**

"**I already told you why I'm keeping you alive." Negan was pleased to hear how annoyed he sounded.**

"**You also told me a good number of times that you were going to kill me," he said as he looked at him. Rick didn't reply. He simply watched him like a hawk. Negan turned back around and sighed heavily. "Funny how things never shape up the way you expect it to in the end. How'd you know I was here?"**

"**Where else would you go?"**

**Negan had to admit that it was a good shot. If he'd been wise about the situation, he would've ducked out elsewhere.**

"**Well you got me there," he admitted. "I came home."**

"**This isn't your home anymore."**

**It almost hurt to hear the reality of it out loud. He dropped his head again and rubbed at his eyes.**

"**Yeah, you sure as hell made sure of that Rick. You took everything." He turned and shot a glare at his warden. "Everything's gone because of you."**

"**No," Rick started coldly, "Everything's gone because of you. Because you wanted to lead using fear and oppressing others. It was always going to fall apart."**

"**So…they turned on me, and went to you," he said quietly. He had never wanted to believe that his own had looked to his enemy just to get by. The idea turned his stomach several times. **

"**You lost," Rick said simply yet coldly. Negan was surprised that he actually flinched at the remark. "Did you expect me to kill them all?"**

"**You sure as shit seemed ready to do just that. I was gonna wipe all your sorry asses out, but… Eugene..." He gritted his teeth at the name, but the sting of the betrayal didn't last very long. If felt forever ago that Eugene had pulled his bad bullet trick. "You didn't kill all of my people in the end, and I'm glad. They were just trying to survive. I was helping them survive." **

"**Your way wasn't the right way," Rick clarified. "It's not about forcing and destroying others. It's about coming together. That's how people survive now. Your way was cruel."**

**Negan slumped down into his seat. He really didn't want another lecture on how he had screwed up in taking charge, especially when he felt a little agreeable to the idea. Grim faced, he stared straight ahead at the emptiness before him. Out of the corner of his eye he noticed the many cobwebs and water damaged walls. The place had died unlike Rick's utopian Alexandria. The Sanctuary was always supposed to thrive, but somehow that hadn't been possible even with the forced labor from other communities.**

"**I saw what you built," Negan began morosely. He glanced back at Rick who hadn't moved. "When I got out of the cell. I saw how big Alexandria's gotten with fields of vegetation. Windmills, housing improvements, stronger structural defenses. And you thought I'd never see it. Well I did, and…damn."**

**The Sanctuary was gone, yet Alexandria and the other communities that had once served him still stood. He slumped further into the couch as his mood worsened.**

"**Why?" Negan seemed to plead.**

"**Why what?"**

**The ex-Savior leaned forward, settling his eyes on the floor. **

"**Why is no one here? Why the hell did this place fall?"**

**Rick considered his question, then sighed and dropped the gun to his side. It was clear to him that Negan's fight was gone. The man was empty.**

"**They couldn't stay here," Rick began. "Things wouldn't grow here, but more than that, many of them refused to work as one. Some Saviors joined ours, but others were still following you." Negan smiled sadly at knowing that much. He still had some Saviors on his side after becoming a captive. "They ended up dead."**

**The reveal made him sour. He didn't even want to know how they'd died. **

"**Damn," he muttered. He shut his eyes and bowed his head. "I really have lost haven't I."**

**Rick moved closer and raised his gun on Negan.**

"**Get up. You're going back," he demanded easily.**

"**Why?"**

"**Because you've got nowhere else to go." **

**He didn't want to admit how true that statement was. He frowned at the remark, then sighed and slowly got to his feet. When he faced Rick, he did so with a worn face. He almost felt tired of the whole thing, as if simply escaping had put him through too much. As his eyes dropped down to the gun pointed his way, he felt a slight urge of desiring Rick to just pull the trigger. But said urge was brief. **

"**You don't need that," Negan told him. "I won't fight."**

"**I know you won't." **

**Negan didn't feel surprised. Of course the man saw he had nothing left. What was the point now since he had no people? He was alone, but in a cruel twist of fate Rick and his people were all he had now.**

**With the other hand, Rick reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of cuffs. Without having to be asked, Negan brought both hands forward in the perfect cuffing position. He watched bitterly as Rick placed a cuff on his left wrist and clicked it closed before doing the same to the other wrist. He was going back to what he'd come to know for six years. The idea was somewhat more comforting than depressing. He'd lost his people, and in all that time he had lost that side of himself that swung a barbed wire back. He wasn't weak, but he didn't feel as strong as he once did so long ago. He would have fought if he had. He would have been willing to keep running out here until he found something. Instead he had let the loss of his people and his home knock the wind out of him to the point where he was metaphorically kneeling before Rick in surrender.**

"**You could've kept running," Rick said quietly after checking the security of the cuffs.**

"**It's like you said," Ngan began slowly, "I've got nowhere else to go."**

**He couldn't imagine starting over if he kept running. The idea of it was a little nauseating. **

"**Let's go."**

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**Negan willingly led the way out of the Sanctuary and quietly settled into the passenger's seat. As Rick moved into the driver's seat, Negan glanced back at his old place one last time. He glanced up at the balcony and recalled how he had grinned at Rick when he and his people drove up to demand his surrender. That version of himself was just a ghost now. As far as he was concerned, Negan, leader of the Saviors, had died at the end of the war, and now no one would ever know about the people that had occupied the Sanctuary. It was just another building now; nothing special. He dropped his eyes as Rick drove away from it. All Negan could think now was how much of a failure he'd been in the end.**

**The drive was done in silence with Rick focused on the road ahead and Negan staring blankly out of his window. Then for a moment, Carl surfaced to his mind along with the letter that Michonne had read to him. Carl had hoped there would be some kind of peace between him and his dad. He wondered what he would have thought if he knew he had become his dad's prisoner. Was it the type of peace Carl had been looking for?**

**Negan didn't want to think on it further as the thought of the kid only lowered his already sorrowful mood. He felt the car come to a stop, but they were nowhere near Alexandria. **

"**What? Forget the way…home…"**

**He took notice of where Rick had stopped, and his stomach dropped. They were at the clearing he had come across upon escaping. He didn't want to see it again. He didn't want to remember what he had done to the red-headed man and the Asian. Rick was staring at the spot where he'd lost those men. Negan wasn't sure if he was breathing or not. **

"**Do you remember this place?" Rick asked after a full two minutes of silence. **

**Negan bowed his head as his stomach lurched.**

"**Yeah," he answered tiredly, "I do."**

"**Do you regret what you did that night?"**

**Negan looked at that clearing and was met with the same uneasiness he'd had when he came across it again on foot. He'd had six years to contemplate the actions that had landed him behind bars. Some days he couldn't help but reexamine his past choices.**

"**I regret that I became that way. I thought it was the only way to save people. Clearly it was the one way to set you off." Rick wouldn't meet his eyes as his attention was set on the spot where he and his people had knelt the night they'd met their future nightmare. Negan sighed and dropped his head. "I know you don't forgive me for it. I don't expect you to. All I can do is say I'm sorry, and accept what comes after."**

"**What do you think comes after?" Rick asked, still not bothering to look at him. **

"**You're gonna do it after all. You're gonna kill me."**

**It made sense that Rick would take him here for his execution. Sure he had stated he was going to keep him alive, but seeing that he was back at the start of where his rocky relationship with Rick began, he realized he must have changed his mind on returning him to a prisoner's life. **

"**I'm not gonna kill you," Rick stated firmly. "I brought you back here because I don't want you to forget what you've done, just like I won't."**

**Negan shut his eyes and let that hollow feeling take over. He had made a move that, without realizing it, had started a domino effect that would leave him as a lonely broken soul only because the man he had fucked with decided to show mercy. He might not have wanted to live that way, but at least he was still breathing. He imagined Lucille would've wanted it this way for him. She was an angel, and he had become a devil. And as a devil, he deserved to pay for his crimes. He couldn't imagine ever uniting with her again unless he somehow returned to the man that had existed long before the world fell apart. He wasn't sure if it was possible to become such a man again. What he was sure of was that he didn't want to go back to the man he was six years ago.**

"**I won't," he promised. **


End file.
